If you are sitting exams this summer, we know that by now you are probably feeling pretty exhausted with it all but just when everyone else is heading off onto a half-term break, you are still facing revision, maybe even extra structured learning.
When we asked our young people’s counsellors about this time, they were keen to say…
Firstly, well done!! You have got this far and that is amazing. We are well into exam season so congratulate yourself on the work you’ve already done.
Secondly, we understand that educators and students like to keep up the pace of revision but remember also to build in some rest breaks for your body to reset.
Find activities that absorb your attention such as mindfulness apps, sport or creative/art can help reduce stress levels.
Timetabling revision might help you achieve all of these things. The nagging thought in our mind of ‘I should be revising’ can be quietened by setting aside specific times when the revision will happen and therefore creating times when it’s ok to do other things.
Finally, we all at RMES want to wish you well in your exams and to say – you’ve got this!
Our research shows over half of Brits are expecting family arguments this Christmas, with things like turning the heating on and how much to spend on gifts the main source of tension.
That’s why we’ve created this space for you.
Our Christmas Sanctuary is an online haven you can visit if things get overwhelming or if you just need to take a breath. It includes self-help articles and money advice, escapism and relaxation tools to help get you through the festive period.
Whatever you’re going through, we can relate. And we’re here for you.
Access Christmas Sanctuary resources here for topics such as:
Talking About Money in Your Relationship
Tips for Separated Parents at Christmas
How To Decide Who’s Parents To Spend Christmas With
How To Have Fewer Arguments
Drinking Too Much
Sex at Christmas
Common Christmas Arguments
Feeling Lonely
Christmas During a Cost of Living Crisis …. and more
There is also a 10 minute guided meditation with yoga teacher and speaker, Sanchia Legister to help you when feeling overwhelmed or needing space to breathe.
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This can lead to tensions, especially if conversations about differing world views, past famly conflicts or controversial current affairs come up.
Here are our tips on how to reduce drama with family and the in-laws this festive season.
Preparation is key
Head of clinical practice at Relate, Ammanda Major, explains that if you are worried about arguments coming up at Christmas it is a good idea to discuss things ahead of time and set boundaries.
Whilst it might be easier not to say anything, this can often lead to blow ups on Christmas Day which no-one wants!
Instead try to identify topics which tend to start disagreements, and agree ahead of time to avoid talking about those things.
Understand the dymanics at play
Ammanda describes how when we get together in our family dynamics, we often revert to old family roles without realising.
We fall back into our child & parent roles, and unresolved family issues might play out subconsciously.
While it’s difficult to overcome this, acknowledging this is the case and being self-aware can prevent arguments excalating before we realise it.
Consider limiting alcohol intake
Even with the best intentions, once alcohol has been consumed, things often go awol, says Ammanda. If you’re worried about family drama, you might want to consider limiting the amount of alcohol you drink at Christmas, or avoid it all together.
Remember that it is your choice whether you drink or not, even at traditionally boozy celebrations like Christmas.
Further support
If you would like to support with family or stress around the festivities you can talk to one of our trained individual, couple or family counsellors. Unsure if this is the option for you? Then chat with a counsellor via a FREE 15 min call.
Alternatively you can read one of our many articles giving information, support and advice. Click on the links below…
Suddenly spending significantly more time with our family members or friends, being out of our usual routine, having the pressure that we must ‘have the best time’, managing our finances can be overwhelming. All the topics and issues that we manage to avoid in our busy lives can suddenly surface.
Whether we are jetting off to the sun, holidaying at home, staying a few days with friends or family or navigating the long summer holiday with the children, how can we make the best of it and avoid some of these issues?
Manage your expectations
Before you leave, it can be helpful to have a conversation with all holidaymakers about what you all expect going into this:
- How much money are you willing to spend?
- What activities are you prepared to do together versus alone?
Teenagers might want to do their own thing while grandparents want to do another and either way, we have to contend with the realities of who we’re spending time with.
“Acknowledge that people want different things. Developmentally, it makes total sense,” Relate Family Counsellor Josh reassures. Finding compromises and accepting that there won’t always be agreement about how to spend time on holiday. Using conflict resolution tactics like speaking in “I feel x” statements and taking time out when the conversation is going around in circles can take some pressure off family dynamics.
Think about roles
Part of a holiday can be stepping out of the norm. Discuss beforehand who will be doing what on holiday. For example if one person normally cooks, drives or is responsible for organising activities, will that be the case on holiday or is the expectation that others will fill or share that role?
Josh points out how time away can actually fuel existing difficulties in a relationship: “The burden of domestic work is rarely distributed equally, which can be amplified on holiday”, he says, “If relationships are unequal, they can become more so under stress or change.”
Think about your needs and how you can fulfil them in a different environment
When we’re at home, we have coping mechanisms that make us feel at ease. When you’re on holiday, you can be isolated from other sources of support. Josh explains, “Usually we’ve ordered our lives in a certain way to allow us to thrive and we don’t need to change that when we go away”. We can bring our routines, like meditating in the morning, practising a creative hobby and reading, with us.
Take time for yourself
There can be a temptation to cram in as many group activities as possible when you’re taking a trip somewhere with loved ones. It’s a chance to spend quality time together but that doesn’t mean you have to spend every moment together. In fact, making an effort to do some activities alone can take the pressure off having to agree on activities and give you stories to tell when you come back together.
How we can help
We can provide space to talk, think and decide on the right way forward for you, either as an individual, a couple or as a family/group. If there are niggles or issues that you are avoiding, we can help you get a conversation started in a safe environment.
More details here
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How could someone they trusted and loved – and who they thought loved them back – betray them in such a shocking and hurtful way? There’s usually not only a sense of anger and upset, but also total disbelief.
The reasons people cheat are varied, but there are a number that crop up time and again in the counselling room. If you’re currently struggling to understand why this has happened to you, you may find it useful to think about some of the following.
Disconnection
One of the most common reasons for infidelity is the feeling that you and your partner have drifted apart. In this case, cheating can feel like a way of finding something new and exciting when your relationship has become predictable and familiar. A sense of disconnection from one’s partner can happen for a variety of reasons. There may be a lack of proper communication in the relationship (talking about specific issues or just generally keeping in touch about how you feel). Or life may have become dominated by work or looking after kids, so time together has become more functional than loving.
Feeling unloved
In counselling, we often use the term ‘love languages’ to describe how people express affection to one another. Some partners communicate more verbally by saying nice things, whereas others might prefer to express affection physically by cuddling or kissing. If your love language is different to your partners, that can leave you feeling unloved – and potentially more open to the affections of someone who seems to understand you better.
Imbalance
If there’s a lack of balance in a relationship, one partner can begin to feel a bit like a parent and the other like a child. For example, one partner may feel like they have to be the responsible one, making all the decisions, organising the home, managing the finances and so on, while their partner doesn’t pull their weight. An affair might then be tempting in order to feel appreciated and equal. Equally, the partner in the ‘child’ position may feel criticised and as if nothing they do seems to be enough, meaning an affair might feel like a way of reclaiming some sense of independence and authority.
Fear of commitment
Sometimes, affairs occur at times when you might assume people would be the most secure in their relationship, such as after getting engaged or when someone is pregnant. But worries over-commitment can be very destabilising. Sometimes, people can sabotage what they have, consciously or unconsciously, as a way of rejecting feelings of responsibility. Some relationships work when there is a third party involved so that this third party can moderate how intimate and truly invested the individuals in the couple are. It could be work, an obsessive hobby or an affair.
Issues related to self-esteem
Affairs can also arise from personal insecurities. Low self-esteem can cause people to be very dependent on the attentions of others—and in some cases, the attention of just one person isn’t enough. They need validation from an external source constantly. It may also cause someone to feel insecure in their own relationship, so much so that they might cheat as a way of rejecting rather than being rejected.
Sexually addictive behaviour
Affairs can commonly be linked to problems with sexually addictive behaviours. This is where someone habitually engages in sexual activity as a way of satisfying desires and relieving negative feelings they find hard to control. These desires can be compulsive in the way that a drug or alcohol addiction might be. For some people, this can mean they end up engaging in affairs repeatedly or in multiple relationships.
To end the relationship
Ending a relationship when your partner is seemingly great is a hard thing to do. Often, we can’t make sense of or explain our loss of feelings to ourselves let alone our partner. This might be a subconscious process which means we might act out the one thing that is guaranteed to end it.
How we can help
Relationship Therapy can help you navigate through these feelings, process what has happened and discuss how to move forward from the betrayal, either in your own time or with further Therapy.
Rebuilding trust after cheating takes time. Relationship therapy equips you with tools to communicate effectively, set boundaries, and work towards rebuilding trust, either on your own, or as a couple.
Ready to move forward and recover from cheating? Book a Therapy session with us to speak with a counsellor at a time that works for you and take the first step in resolving the problem you’re facing.
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Relate’s advice for coping with Mother’s Day after bereavement.
Treat yourself with kindness. Think of how you would treat a really good friend in this situation. You would probably want to look after them and be very caring – you should try to do this for yourself, too.
Do what feels right for you. You may feel like having a quiet day and curling up on the sofa, or you may want to do something specific to remember your mum. Maybe you want to do something active or creative to distract yourself. Go with whatever feels right.
Know it’s common to experience a range of different feelings. You may have been doing ok and feel you were coming to terms with your loss but suddenly feel extremely sad when you realise what day it is. Perhaps you will have moments of joy and laughter as you remember your mum or other moments where you feel irritable. You may experience anger or guilt. All of this is normal.
Find creative ways to connect. If you feel you would like to be with others but can’t due to restrictions, think about what you can arrange online to remember your mum together. For example, could you create an online memory book or organise a video call where you share memories? You might want to share something about your feelings on social media, but if seeing other people’s posts about their Mother’s Day experiences is likely to trigger you then step away from your phone and find another way.
Seek support if you need it. Contact a bereavement helpline or visit a local support group – see Useful Links at the foot of our website. Counselling can help to explore painful feelings and provide a safe space to work through your grief. You may also find it useful to attend with a partner or other family members to discuss the impact of grief on your relationships and how you can support each other. There are a number of options that may work for you including webcam, phone or email counselling.
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Power imbalances in friendships happen when one friend has more control or influence over the other. A power imbalance can manifest in different ways, such as:
Cultural or social backgrounds
Differences in cultural or social backgrounds can lead to misunderstandings or one friend feeling marginalised or less empowered.
Personality traits
Dominating or overly assertive behaviour from one friend can over shadow the other’s opinions and needs, leading to an imbalance.
Relationship history
If one friend has previously played a more supportive role, then they may continue to exert more influence or control in the relationship.
Professional relationship
If friends also have a work relationship where one is in a superior position, it may carry over into their personal relationship.
Access to social connections
One friend having more extensive social connections of being seen as being more popular might lead to an imbalance in social situations.
Financial differences
One of you may have access to greater financial resources which may impact on your friendship in many ways
Power imbalances in friendships don’t have to be a stumbling block. With empathy, practical steps, and a bit of guidance, you can foster a healthy and balanced friendship.
Read the full article, including how to spot and overcome power imbalances here
]]>Bereavement, separation, children growing up, sharing Christmas with in-laws, friends moved away, memories of a lockdown Christmas, living abroad, family breakdown, feeling the absence of the lifestyle that you want and loneliness can bring difficult thoughts and emotions.
Whether you are facing the first year or the 10th year in this situation, we know that the countdown to Christmas Day can be hard and the pressure to be happy can come from all directions. Here are some ideas to navigate the festive period:
- Assure yourself that your feelings are valid, grief is a natural response to losing someone close or something you held dear.
- Talk to someone about how you feel. Sharing with trusted friend or family member, or speaking confidentially to a support helpline or professional can help.
- Allow yourself permission to take part in Christmas traditions, if you wish to. This does not mean you don’t care about or have forgotten the person who is absent.
- Activities such as writing a message on a memory tree or lighting a candle can help acknowledge the person who is absent. Bereavement charities, places of worship and places of rest often offer such opportunities, but you can also introduce an initiative at work or social place.
- Planning an activity/meal/tradition that you remember being important to the absent person(s) can help make them part of your Christmas.
- Take time to think about what is important for you over the festive period. Don’t be drawn in by the expectations shown in Christmas adverts – this not the reality for most people.
- Don’t be frightened to accept invitations from friends and family through fear of not being able to keep up the pretence. Have a realistic conversation about how you feel beforehand. It is better to say ‘I would love to have dinner with you but I might find the whole day difficult’ or ‘I may be tearful at some point but I am ok’.
- Plan a new tradition or completely different way to mark the occasion if the usual traditions feel empty without the person(s). This might especially be useful if it is your first Christmas post-separation or without your children/grandchildren. For example, eating different food, changing the routine of the day, visiting someone/eating out instead of being at home.
You can also take a look at some of our articles on Christmas Sanctuary for further support, such as:
Tips for separated parents at Christmas time
]]>Here are some of our fave relationship games from @nowplaythis festival and beyond to help you create healthier friendships, work relationships, romantic or sexual relationships or even a relationship with your self.
… with partners
Where Should We Begin – relationship therapist Esther Perel has created this game to enable vulnerability and closeness through stories about each other.
Let’s f*cking date – turn up the heat both emotionally and in the bedroom with this hot card game.
Servd – liven up everyday activities with this real life card game. Gamify who’s cooking dinner, who’s organising date night and more.
… with friends
We’re not really strangers – a thought-provoking card game that will bring you closer together and spark meaningful conversation.
Icebreaker (Best Self) – get to know your besties better with these intriguing conversation starters.
Who in the Room – have a giggle and find out what your friends really think of you.
… with colleagues
Topix – forget the small talk with this thought-provoking conversation game. Get to know your colleagues for improved team dynamics.
Building Blocks – designed explicity for co-workers with 101 questions about your job, team and connection with co-workers.
The Work Friends Card Deck (Beyond Mondays) – build connection and rapport in your team with these work specific question cards that will help you understand each other’s way of working & personal goals.
… with yourself
We’re Not Really Strangers self-reflection kit – take some time to reflect on what matters to your with this insightful card game meets journalling prompts combo.
Re-Flex – If you want to explore why you think the things you do, this is for you. Dive deep and think big with this pack that can be played alone or with others.
Know Yourself prompt cards – this deck by School of Life combines their usual philosophical approach to psychology so you can really get into your own mind.
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- Anxiety is normal, especially at times of change and uncertainty or when we feel under threat. The pandemic has provided us with a steady stream of possible triggers and so be kind to yourself and accept that this is a normal reaction.
- Research in reliable sources things that concern you. Do not rely on chit chat or misleading social media & headlines. The big picture may seem overwhelming but as you begin to look into the facts you may find areas that you can have more control over and these can make all the difference.
- Connecting with others where possible will help avoid isolation and allow you to share your feelings. It is important that you set your own boundaries when connecting with others. If you wish to stay on Zoom, or in the garden, or wear a mask, or keep it short that is fine. Make a point of having some fun and lighter conversations to lift your spirits.
- Be aware of your physical health. We know our mental health can affect our body. Be aware of your heart and breathing rate, digestive issues or headaches for example. Getting some exercise such as walking, running or cycling can help. Breathing exercises, yoga, mindfulness and meditation can help lower blood pressure and heart rate.
- We may not feel we have any control over thoughts are streaming through our head but you can learn ways to manage them. Writing down thoughts can help organise them and allow your brain to ‘park’ them, think of it as an external hard drive where you can store thoughts instead of carrying them around. Once written down you may find you can look at them objectively and consider other thoughts that might balance out the concern.
- Alternatively if you find concentrating on thoughts difficult, plan activities that help distract you and have a list ready to refer to as soon as thoughts appear; numbers of people you can call for a chat, cooking, gardening, run, piece of music, dancing or a hobby.
https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/covid-19-advice-and-information/video-managing-anxiety
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